Hello & Naming Rights

2009-12-16T17:58:00.001-08:00

I'm pleased you're here! You should feel honored and privileged that I'm not over-charging you to read this, like I do for the hapless students who attend New York Law School. I'm not such a bad guy after all, no matter what they say about me on the Tom the Temp blog.

Okay, so the meeting yesterday with Bernard Mendik was rough, especially considering he's been dead for 8 years. I've learned that it's possible to garner so much real estate power in Manhattan that you never leave, even after you're gone. Now Mendik is starting to demand some weird stuff; he wants NYLS to install pottery wheels in the new building so he can get all touchy-feely with some of the hot, rich, JAP-py bimbos that make up 50% of any given class. He said Patrick Swayze gave him the idea. It would be called "The Bernard Mendik Memorial Arts & Crafts Center." I never knew Bernie to be this frisky while alive, but then again what do I know? I trusted the other Bernie a lot - Bernie Madoff - and look what happened.

Anyway, in other news, Petunia let the cat out of the bag yesterday, but I'll make it official: In an effort to raise money and get our less-accomplished alumni involved at the school, NYLS is, indeed, going to be selling naming rights to the on-campus restrooms. You'll be able to see your name in lights: "John Smith Memorial Men's Room" or "Carol Jones International Ladies' Room." No vulgarities or 'jokiness' allowed; we've already had an applicant request "Nadine Strossen Ugly Stick Recovery Room," which I immediately rejected, although I laughed. (Protecting freedoms obviously comes at the price of ugliness and strange jewelry, but where would NYLS be without Nadine and her slave labor ACLU Oompa-Loompa servants? It's one of the only shreds of credibility we have.)

While I'm on the topic of names, we're making a serious push with New York City to rename Worth Street, where NYLS calls home, "Worthless Street." It not only captures the spirit of NYLS, but it also further covers up facts, because the property NYLS sits on is far from worthless. Even though we turn out graduates who are $140,000+ in debt and can't find jobs, we're still raking in the bucks and building new wings. Also, the name "Worthless Street" is a great description of the value of a NYLS law degree.

So that's all for now. I have Access Group meetings to attend the next few days, so check back soon to hear about how that goes.

THE MASSA-SAR CHRONICLES

Hello & Naming Rights